Dana Wessel

Sure Could Go For Some Wings…

It is no secret that sequels and franchises have dominated the box office the last 20 or so years. People love them. It makes the studios dump trucks full of cash. Everybody wins. 

This leads to a lot of fans begging for one of their favorite movies of the past to get a sequel. It also has studio heads wondering what film property they own that still has some money left to squeeze out of it. 

HOWEVER, these are five movies that definitely do not need sequels and, since I love awful sequel names, I came up with some potential sequel titles we don’t need. Or maybe we do? As I was writing I was kind of intrigued by a few of them. 

Batman and Robin 

Premise of the original: 

The fourth installment of the once-promising 80s/90s Batman movies that was so bad it basically killed all interest in Batman movies for a while. But as we all know the Caped Crusader made a comeback and it now looks like we will be getting seven Batman movies a year for the foreseeable future. Poor Mr and Mrs Wayne.

But this one was…bad. So bad that even when I saw it in the theaters at age 12 I thought it was dumb. 12-year olds like EVERYTHING, especially in the 90s when we didn’t have unlimited viewing options and a trip to the theater or movie store was a big treat. Clooney played Batman and Chris O’Donnell played Robin. It also had Alivia Silverstone, Uma Thurman, and Scharwzenegger. The lasting legacy of the movie will forever be the obnoxiously hilarious BAT NIPPLES they had on their batsuits

Franchise sequels we don’t need:

  • Batman and Robin II: Robin Lays an Egg
  • Bat-Nips: The Batman and Robin Nipple Costume Origin Story As Told By Alfred
  • Batman and Robin IV: Clooney Only Agreed To Do This One If We Made It Clear in the Title He Is Donating All His Salary to Charity 

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton

Premise of the original: 

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton was actually the inspiration for this post. I couldn’t sleep last night so my brain was wondering what the most pointless, unnecessary movie sequel would be and this is where I landed. I jotted down the sequel names below in my phone and thankfully went back to sleep. 

Here is the blurb from the film’s Wikipedia page because I really don’t feel like summarizing it myself: The film follows a small-town girl (Kate Bosworth) who wins a contest for a date with a male celebrity (Josh Duhamel), and a love triangle forms between the girl, the star, and the girl’s best friend (Topher Grace).

$50 and a plate of wings to anybody who names their kid Tad, by the way.

Franchise sequels we don’t need:

  • Win a Date to Tad Hamilton’s Wedding
  • Win a Date to Tad Hamilton’s Funeral 
  • Holy Sh*t! Tad Hamilton is Alive: Tad Hamilton IV – The Revenge of Tad Hamilton

Chairman of the Board

Premise of the original: 

Carrot Top plays a surfer dude who inherits and runs a company worth billions. Ya know what? The less we say about the actual plot the better. 

The best thing that came out of this movie was an interview Chairman co-star Courtney Thorne-Smith did on Conan O’Brien. Norm MacDonald was the holdover guest who was still on the couch during the interview. Norm takes it upon himself to continually interrupt the interview and roast the film, much to the amusement of Conan and Thorne-Smith, who seemed to know Chairman of the Board wasn’t exactly going to reach Citizen Kane levels upon release. 

Franchise sequels we don’t need:

  • Chairman of the Boarding School
  • ChairMEN of the Board: Carrot Top Gets Cloned
  • Chairman of the White House: Yeah, He is Somehow President of the United States Now

From Justin To Kelly

Premise of the original: 

Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guiarnialasif (not worth looking up how to spell his last name) finished first and second respectively in the original season of American Idol and were contractually obligated to make this movie. Even without it being a widely known fact they were forced into this movie it is abundantly clear by watching even 30 seconds that it isn’t exactly a passion project for these two. 

Fun fact: I saw this movie on a first date in high school and got diarrhea right before the movie started. The ‘rrhea was more enjoyable than going back into the theater to watch the actual movie.

Franchise sequel names we don’t need:

  • From Justin 2 Kelly 2 Rubern Studdard 
  • Three Justins Three Kellys – A Love Hexagon
  • From Inside Justin and Kelly’s Mother’s Tummies: A From Justin To Kelly Prequel 

Spice World

Premise of the original: 

A blatant cash-in just like From Justin To Kelly. The Girls of Spice were at the top of their powers when this movie was released to the world in 1998. It did well at the box office, grossing more than $151 million worldwide, but I think even the biggest Spice Girls fans would admit we didn’t need a sequel. 

Franchise sequel names we don’t need:

  • Spice Galaxy: Spice Girls in Space
  • Jurassic Spice World: Spice World III – This Time They Fight Dinosaurs 
  • Spice Nursing Home

So there you have it. Five sequels we do not need in a world of never ending sequels. Please don’t get upset if there is a movie on this list you enjoy. Just having some fun here. Lord knows I am the last person to ever criticize someone else’s movie taste.

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