Dana Wessel

Sure Could Go For Some Wings…

Early Thursday morning Taylor Swift announced she was dropping yet another surprise album at midnight. A lot of people got understandably excited about this development. Me? Well, because my brain works in ways that some might consider “fascinating” and others might consider “in desperate need of immediate professional help” I began wondering if Taylor had ever seen a film in the Fast and Furious franchise. 

So I figured we might as well just go ahead and break this very important question down. It is either that or I go to Target again wearing slippers and honestly I think the employees are starting to worry about me. This seems like the better option. 

Evidence that Taylor Swift has NOT seen a Fast and Furious movie:

  • It doesn’t really fit into her carefully-crafted public image: Taylor and her people have worked hard to create the “Aw-shucks-America’s-Sweetheart” public image. Yes, she has evolved from the bubble gum pop of her teen years, even saying an F-enheimer on her last record, but still, being super into a movie franchise about globetrotting car thieves really isn’t a side we have seen of her. 
  • She has never done a music collaboration with any of the stars of the franchise: The Fast franchise has two stars in Ludacris and Tyrese that are platinum recording artists. Taylor has never collabed (short for collaboration, it is what the kids say) with either. Now, before you laugh, fellow pop/country superstar Carrie Underwood did a song with Luda and it is actually pretty cool. One might think if she had worked with one of them she may have felt inclined to check out one of their movies. But no dice there. 
  • Fast and Furious isn’t on her list of favorite movies: A few Google searches of her favorite movies doesn’t come back with a very extensive list. From what I can gather, Swifty has publicly stated she likes the TV shows Fleabag, Grey’s Anatomy, Game of Thrones, Killing Eve, and Something Great. However there is a very about her favorite movies, at least from what I could gather in the seven minutes of research I did for this piece. 
  • Taylor is a very, very busy woman: This much is obvious. She is clearly one of the hardest working people in the entertainment industry. She has put out two…TWO albums during the pandemic alone. The writer of this post is not only unemployed but, as mentioned above, routinely goes to Target in his slippers. Clearly one of us has more time on our hands than the other to watch Fast movies. 

Evidence that Taylor Swift HAS seen a Fast and Furious movie:

  • Despite being busy, she probably does have a lot of downtime: Her hectic schedule inevitably does lead to some down time where she has hours to kill. Between all the traveling between cities on tour there is plenty of time to open up the MacBook and watch a movie. Why not catch a movie in one of the most globally popular film franchises? Plus, even when she isn’t touring it isn’t like Taylor can just go spend a Saturday night getting deep on endless apps at TGI Fridays with her friends. She is just too famous for that. Probably a lot of movies get watched at the Swift Compound. 
  • The Fast and Furious movies fucking rule: This point is not up for debate. All comments/emails stating otherwise will be forwarded to the authorities where I hope they prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law. 
  • Taylor was name-checked in The Fate of the Furious: The Rock mentions Taylor in the eighth installment of the franchise while coaching his daughter’s soccer team. Surely someone on Taylor’s staff pointed this out to her and she at LEAST watched the scene where she is mentioned, right? I mean it is The Rock. Then there is no doubt she was so entranced by the greatness of the film that she watched the whole thing. This is just basic logic, friends. 

So have I convinced you yet that Taylor Swift has in fact seen at least one Fast and Furious movie? What’s that? No? I haven’t? Well, OK. Then allow me to bring out the smoking gun of evidence that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that Taylor is down with Dom Toretto and the Fast Family…

  • TAYLOR SWIFT AND FAST STAR JORDANA BREWSTER ARE COUSINS!!!!!!!!! I cross-Googled Taylor’s name with every star of the Fast franchise and learned that Swift and Jordana Brewster are COUSINS. There is no doubt Taylor would support her cousin’s work and have seen the Fast movies. OK, couple caveats here. Is the website I got this info from pretty shady? Absolutely. Does the site say they are DIRECT cousins? No. What does it say their relationship is? 8th cousins once removed. But still…COUSINS. And if we have learned anything from the Fast and Furious movies it’s that FAMILY comes above all else. I mean, you have to be some sort of animal to not watch a movie starring your eighth cousin once removed. 

Verdict:

I don’t see how any reasonable person could read the evidence stated above and come to any conclusion other than Taylor Swift being a certified Fast fan. At this point I wouldn’t be shocked if she ends up joining the cast for the upcoming 10th and 11th installments. 

Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to email this column to all my former journalism professors at the University of Minnesota so they can bask in pride knowing their hard work led to this important piece of investigative journalism. 

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