Dana Wessel

Sure Could Go For Some Wings…

Well would you look at that? It is somehow December already of this shit-storm year that somehow simultaneously flew by but also feels like March was a decade ago.

So now I bet you are scrambling. Gotta buy gifts! What do I do?! Fear not. I am back once again with my annual Craigslist shopping guide that has a little something for everybody on your list.

Undies: Everybody can use some undies, right? For $1 a pair you can set your loved ones up for the rest of the winter with this collection in Coon Rapids. Just picture the smile on their faces when they unwrap these briefs on Christmas morning.

Tractor Instruction Manual: Do you have a friend or loved one that owns a McCormick-Deering 10-20 Gear Drive Tractor but are missing the manual? Well you are in LUCK! For $35 in Bloomington you can get yourself this lightly used instruction manual. Even if someone doesn’t have a McCormick-Deering 10-20 Gear Drive Tractor, this is still a great gift.

Eight Copies of Caddyshack on DVD: What is better than ONE copy of an ’80s movie on outdated technology?! How about EIGHT copies of an ’80s movie on outdated technology! Suuuuure, it is readily available on Netflix, but wouldn’t it be nice to cozy up by the fire, hook up your old DVD player, and watch Rodney Dangerfield whack some golf balls while Bill Murray chases a gopher? I know I would! You could even set up 8 TVs with 8 different DVD players and watch them simultaneously! Why does someone own 8 copies of this movie and are trying to sell them? Some questions are better left unanswered.

Horse Buggy: We have extra time on our hands these days because of the pandemic. So why DRIVE to Target for toilet paper and Hot Pockets when you can get PULLED to Target for toilet paper and Hot Pockets in this horse buggy?! For $1,000 in New Ulm you can be the cat’s ass in your town when you roll up in this buggy. Showing up at the club in a Range Rover is so dated. Showing up at Target in a horse buggy during a pandemic? Now that is straight fire emjoi, as the kids say.

David Hassellhoff Barbie Doll: Remember Baywatch? Those red bathing suits and endless beautiful women? Commemorate that with everyone’s FAVORITE character…David Hassellhoff’s character. Yeah, I am too lazy to look it up. Matt? Gordy? I dunno. You get the point. Comes with a whistle AND a jetski?! You cannot afford NOT to buy this for your loved one this holiday season. For only $10?! You gotta be joking my ass.

So there you go, friends. Five wonderful gift ideas that are sure to please everyone on your list. I typically don’t ask for handouts, but if someone wanted to get me all five of these for Christmas?! I would be the happiest guy on earth! Love you all. Happy holidays. I know 2020 has been rough, but we got this. As always, we are all in this together.

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