Dana Wessel

Sure Could Go For Some Wings…

Disney is releasing their live-action remake of Mulan on Friday for you to watch at home. The latest, and by far the biggest, movie to forego the theaters for your at-home viewing pleasure. Obviously this isn’t the norm we are used to so I put together a pros-and-cons guide of watching brand new films at home vs the theater. 

Pro: New on-demand movies have ranged between $19.99 for Bill & Ted Face the Music and $29.99 for Mulan. 

Pro: That is a lot cheaper than tickets at the theater. Want to see a movie on opening night? That will be at least $15 a ticket. Oh, wait, the movie you are seeing is on an IMAX screen — whatever the hell that even means — so it will be an additional $5. Gets better. This one is in 3D so you get to pay another $7 to squint through plastic glasses that cost 5 cents to make. 

Pro: You can watch them on your couch! You won’t have to sit in a seat where some dude just ripped buns non-stop for two hours. 

Pro: Your house, unlike most movie theaters, doesn’t smell like a combo of kid vomit, old popcorn, and urine. Well, hopefully it doesn’t. Email me if it does. I have one of those handheld Stanley Steamer things you can borrow. Life is too short and all that. 

Pro: Ever been at a movie and thought how nice it would be to just get cozy and watch in your undies? No? Just me? Well, at home you can freely watch the movie in your undies if you so choose. Which I will. 

Pro: No more playing that game of Sophie’s Choice where you need to decide between missing part of the movie or having someone call 9-1-1 because your bladder just exploded and the whole theater is watching you scream in pain. Pausing a movie at home is a thing!

Pro: Have a cupboard and microwave in your house? Well you are in LUCK MY FRIEND! Not sure what your skill level is at Price is Right but I think at the grocery store you can score a better deal than $14 for a tub of popcorn.

Pro: Typical theater food not your thing? You are at home. Cook a pizza. Make an omelette. Go nuts and whip up calamari steak with chanterelles and corn. For the record, I am watching Food Network as I wrote this and somebody just made calamari steak with chanterelles. I have no idea what it is but it sounds fancy.

Pro: You won’t get distracted by that jagoff texting during the movie…unless YOU want to be that jagoff texting during the movie. Win-win!

Pro: Speaking of annoying people at the theater, there won’t be any snot-nosed kids talking and spilling their Goobers all over. Unless you have snot-nosed kids that talk and spill Goobers. Then just hand them your iPad and send them out in the backyard while you watch.

Pro: In all seriousness, if you have kids I imagine it is much easier and cheaper to wrangle them in front of the TV than dealing with the stress of bringing them all to a movie theater.

Con: I actually really, really, really miss movie theaters. I miss the energy and excitement of seeing a huge blockbuster on opening night in a packed theater. I miss casually catching a solo on a random afternoon. I miss that childlike excitement I feel when the movie starts on that big-ass screen. It has been obvious that movie theaters would eventually go the way of movie stores but I am having a hard time accepting it is now happening. I am gonna miss it. A lot. So I mostly wrote this to convince myself things will be OK. 

And ya know what? They will. There are always new normals to adjust to in life, not just during a pandy. Also, to be honest, Fast & Furious 12: Mission to Mars on the couch in my undies someday does sound pretty damn nice. 

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