Each week I answer questions people send me in a soon-to-be award-winning column called Ask Wessel. Please send any and all questions to me on Twitter or email me DanaJWesssel@gmail.com. The weirder the better.
Q: Dinner with three people. Dead or alive. Let’s hear it. – Seth
Oh, damn. This is a tough one. The obvious answer would be Bruce Springsteen but I honestly don’t know if I would pick him. I would be so starstruck and awkward that I would feel bad for my hero. It would be like that old Chris Farley Show bit on SNL except with a lot more awkward crying. I am beating myself up mentally just picturing how awkward I would be. That is how much love I have in my heart for Bruce — I wouldn’t want to subject him to me geeking out. I would take a bullet for him but I wouldn’t have dinner with him. I have issues.
The first name that popped into my head was Mitch Hedberg. I would love to break bread and laugh and joke around with Mitch. In my opinion the funniest dude there was. Not just the funniest guy from Minnesota. Straight up funniest period. All the stories I have heard from people who knew him describe him as such a sweet, fun-loving guy.
Also joining us at the table would be The Rock. I have been down with Rock since day one; almost like one of those hipster types that insist on telling you they saw a band at The Entry before they blew up. When people in 2020 are all like “lol I love the Rock! Jumanji is so funny!” I want to scoff and ask them what their favorite match of his was when he was in The Nation of Domination back in the 90s. Old school Rock fans for life!
Now who would round out the table with Mitch, Rock and myself? So many options. Do I go with some historical figure? An athlete like Landon Donovan? Guy Fieri? Love me some Mayor of Flavortown. Do I dare say Anna Kendrick just to annoy my wife? Do I go with another local legend like The Menards Guy? Sorry. Just thinking out loud here.
Ah, wait. I got it. Mitch Hedberg, The Rock, myself and the actor who got eaten off the toilet in the original Jurassic Park.
Q: Share your favorite elementary school memories – Shelby
A lot of great memories from the ol Thomas Lake Elementary. Things started out a bit rough, though. I had a speech impediment where I couldn’t say my Rs or Ls for the life of me. Had to go visit Miss Kolstad therapist twice a week for the first few years. Classmates would always ask where I went and I was too embarrassed to say. Thankfully my teachers would cover for me and tell them I was going to some class for gifted kids or something. Let me tell you, not being able to say your Rs and Ls PLUS having a girl’s name is a rough elementary combo. Kids can be mean.
But things turned around! I learned how to talk after a few years of visits to Miss Kolstad’s tiny little room in the library. Forever grateful for her. Even better? I was also the only kid who could dunk on the 6-foot recess hoop so things all kinda evened out.
Another fond memory were all the innocent crushes you had at that age. You know the kind, you feel like in your heart it is the biggest deal on earth and there is no question you will be with the girl you hold hands with on the bus for the rest of your life. Spoiler alert: I did not end up marrying my 5th grade girlfriend…however I think about her whenever I sign into my bank account because the security question is “who was your first girlfriend?” Thanks for bringing it up, US Bank. God!
All that being said, the favorite memory without question was the time a kid took a dump in the urinal. The stuff of legends. I really wish I had stayed in touch with that maestro of comedy. Wait, can I change the answer to the last question? Myself, Rock, Mitch Hedberg, and the kid who duked the urinal in elementary school. What a crew that would be. I am laughing just picturing the look on Rock’s face when I introduce him to the urinal pooper.
Q: The name Wesselmania is so great. Did you come up with it just for the site or has it been a nickname? – Chris
It has been around for a while and was our wedding hashtag as well. It wasn’t me who coined it. One of my friends came up with it. I wish I could remember who because I love it. Well, actually, part of me is happy I don’t remember so I don’t have to share royalties when this thing blows up and becomes the next Google.
My wife argued that this site should be DanaWessel.com because it is more professional than WesselMania.com. Uhhhh…have you met me? We came up with a good solution and have DanaWessel.com redirect you to WesselMania.
Q: Dunno what I will do if there is no NFL or fantasy football this fall. I know it isn’t your preferred version of futbol but you always seem to have good solutions for things so what needs to be done to make sure we have football this year? – Davie
There is a real easy solution that I cannot believe more people besides me haven’t tossed out there yet. Football is obviously very much a contact sport with players tackling and smashing face masks together. That makes social distancing on the field and even in the locker room quite a challenge.
The solution? Instead of pads and helmets the players wear full mascot suits with masks included. The enclosed masks make sure nobody is breathing or spitting on each other. The soft, thick mascot suits would ensure adequate padding.
You may think this idea is ridiculous but I know you are now picturing an 11 on 11 football game with grown men in mascot suits and it is making you smile so my job here is done.
Q: When are you going to start the podcast? We need it. – Alex
A question I have gotten a bunch the last few weeks. I dunno, to be honest. If I were to start one I would want to come up with a clever hook or angle. I am not sure the world needs the 100 millionth podcast of just a dopey white dude jabbering. I would want it to be something unique and different. I have a few ideas in my head that I am tossing around. So, I guess what I am trying to say is stay tuned.
Alright, that’ll do it. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Really appreciate you checking out my site. If you ever enjoy any of this nonsense please feel free to share it with friends.